Perrin and the Three Whitecloaks
by Pop Weasel
Summary: Well, here it is. No plot, no problem. Perrin and Co. foils the attempts of Bornhald in this fic. Smile, you're on FF.Net!
1. SWAT Faile

Perrin and the Three Whitecloaks  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own the Wheel of Time or any related characters. This is purely for the twisted fun of it. :)  
  
Ready for this? I'm not. Call me when it's over. Sorry it took so long to post. My brother just got a X-Box and I've been playing that, well, watching DVD's and such. Like the Lord of the Rings, over and over and over. Love my Legolas! That and I'm lazy. And I've played through the Legend of Dragoon another coupla times (GOD THAT GAME ROCKS.) And I don't own any related LoD characters that wander in....errr.....chained to me.  
  
And there will be some OOC. Like you didn't know that already. Psh, I am the SUPREME GODDESS OF OOC. Like the title?  
  
  
  
--------Where the Whitecloaks are-------  
  
Dain Bornhald was bored. (Note: I would be too if all I had to do was pick names out of the air and declared them Darkfriends, the dumb@$$.)  
  
So bored in fact that he decided to hang some Darkfriends from trees and such all the while pretending to be such a man seeking the truth ( or whatever) and seeking Darkfriends to keep them out of polite society.  
  
The only problem was, he had hung all the Darkfriends they had gathered.  
  
So he paced, thought, paced some more, thought (by then his brain was starting to hurt. Note I don't like him.) So he thought one more time before sitting down in his just and holy resting Lazy-Boy-which was white with golden sunbursts-and finally after three days, he came up with a wonderful idea.  
  
A wonderful, evil-in-a-just-and-right-idea.  
  
He would go FIND more Darkfriends.  
  
But all that thinking wore him out, and since he was so wonderfully important to the Whitecloaks...errr.....Children of the Light,-  
  
~cue Holy Music~  
  
-he had to find some poor saps......errr......Whitecloaks.....I mean.....Children of the Light-  
  
~cue Holy Music~  
  
-to go and find the one that had eluded his grasp for so long...the little....  
  
~THWAP!!!~  
  
Dain rubbed his head and looked up suspisciosly. "What the....??"  
  
(Pop Weasel whistles innocently, hiding a tire iron behind her back)  
  
...jerk.  
  
Meaning that Perrin Aybara of Emond's Field was going to be getting a visit.  
  
But, due to the budget cuts, they only had a few Children of the Light-  
  
~cue Holy Music~  
  
--to spare.  
  
So he put out a call and not so long after ward, three men in white cloaks came bumbling into his tent.  
  
He gave them instructions. Told them not to fail. And to bring him some of those new Arby's double buffalo dipping wings on the way back.  
  
"Aye aye sir!" said Chedder. (I like cheese, hehehe)  
  
"Count on me sir." saluted Dill. (as in PICKLE! Muhahahahahhaa)  
  
"Bluebells and cheese!" cheered Ima Pansy. (Do I REALLY need a reason anymore?)  
  
And they all rushed out in a flapping of Whitecloaks.........er.....Children of the Light-  
  
~cue Holy Music~  
  
-cloaks. The damned cloaks were white! What more do you want me to say!  
  
-------Two Rivers-----  
  
Perrin was lounging in his Lazy-Boy that he had stolen from the Forsaken Demandred with nothing to do but order the Three Gray Men around and watch the game on the big screen he had also stolen from Demandred.  
  
RING RING RING  
  
Sighing, the hottie...err......Lord of Two Rivers...Perrin.....hmmmmmmm...answered the phone.  
  
"Ohhhhhhh Perrin.........you never returned the messages I left you......"  
  
A sharp golden eyed glance and the answering machine: 89 messages.  
  
Sigh.  
  
"The restraining order still means no phone calls Berelain..."  
  
Faile marched in, grabbed the phone, blew a air horn into the mouthpiece, screamed "AND YOU STAY AWAY FROM HIM! YOU HEAR!!!!" and slammed the phone back down. Smoothed her dress, adjusted his shirt, put a stray strand of hair into place, turned back into the kitchen.  
  
Fastwind raised her head from her paws in question.  
  
Perrin shrugged. "She can sew." he said in explaination. Fastwind cocked her head, went back to sleep.  
  
The White Tower Warders were kicking the ass of the Bore Bulldogs by the second quarter. And he kept getting calls from someone named Moridin begging him to place a bet.  
  
He was getting his number changed, AGAIN.  
  
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK  
  
Faile screamed at him to get the door, so he rose slowly, ambled to the door. Opened it.  
  
"Hello, you would be Perrin Aybara of Emond's Field?"  
  
Three men dressed in white cloaks stood at his back door, one holding a thick coil of rope in his hands.  
  
"Who are you?" he asked while yawning. (see how many of you yawn when Perrin does, muahahaha)  
  
The one holding the rope gave him a insane smile. "Dill Pickle, at your service."  
  
Perrin stared at him for a long moment.  
  
"Chedder Wheel." said the tallest.  
  
"Bluebells and cheese." bobbed Ima Pansy.  
  
Perrin slammed the door and went back to his game, deciding to play his Playstation and popping in THE LEGEND OF DRAGOON.  
  
(Pause: THEY WERE NOT HAPPY IN TAKING MY LAVITZ AWAY ONCE!!!!!!!! THE BASTARDS HAD TO DO IT TWICE!!!!! TWICE!!!!!!!!!!!!)  
  
(Sorry, won't happen again. It was the Gremlins.)  
  
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK  
  
He had just gotten to the trade city of Lohan on disk one and was royally p.o.ed. He stomped over to the door and demanded "WHAT!?"  
  
There they were again, still holding that rope.  
  
"Are you SURE you're not Perrin Aybara?"  
  
"Bluebells and cheese."  
  
"'cause if you are, we have orders to hang you from the nearest tree." said Dill Pickle.  
  
One of Perrin's golden eyes bulged. "FAILE!!!!" and slammed the door.  
  
"Wonder what that was about?" inquired Chedder Wheel.  
  
Then a woman dropped down off the porch roof weilding a rolling pin and a air horn. "BURN DEVIL MONKEY!!!!!!!!"  
  
WHAP THEMP CRUCK BBBBBAAALLLLLLLLLLLUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGAAAAAAAAAA CRUNCH WHACK THUMP THUMP THUMP MUNCH CRUNCH WHAP WHAP  
  
Faile dusted off her hands and calmly walked back outside.  
  
Inside: Perrin sobbing openly at the death of Lavitz.  
  
Outside: Three naked men were tied to a giant oak with their own white cloaks.  
  
MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA  
  
Pop Weasel: I know it was short, but it was a beginning. Be happy, it took me a hour to write. This is pure, free thought insanity. No plans, no plot, no point. Love ya all! Toodles!  
  
Lavitz: *yanks on chain that keeps him secured to Pop* Can I go home now?  
  
Pop Weasel: Psh, it's Movie Night!  
  
Lavitz: Watching reruns of Dragon Ball Z is NOT Movie Night!  
  
Perrin: Hey! This is MY fic. Scoot!  
  
Pop Weasel : *grins evilly*  
  
Perrin: Oh no.  
  
Lavitz: You did it to yourself.  
  
Pop Weasel: *pounces*  
  
Perrin: HOLY CREATOR!!! GET IT OFF!!!  
  
Lavitz: Scream all you want. Nobody will hear you.  
  
Pop Weasel: *waves to fellow fic readers/authors/everyone. Both Lavitz and Perrin are chained to her.* BYE BYE! See ya'll next chapter!  
  
Perrin: SAVE ME!!! 


	2. Girl Scout Cookies

Chapter two has no name. Bahahahahahahaha!  
  
  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own WoT or any other poor sap that I've just happened to drag into the fic.  
  
Oh yeah, sorry I haven't updated in awhile, there have been some.....problems between me and a video game. We've worked it out and rest asured, our bond is strong as ever. hehehehhe.  
  
And book ten got pushed back! Ghaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!  
  
---Place where Whitecloaks are---  
  
"IDIOTS! FOOLS!!! FETID BEASTS!!! YOU DO NOT DESERVE TO CALL YOURSELVES CHILDREN OF THE LIGHT!!---  
  
~Cue Holy Music~  
  
--TO BE SHAMED BY THE DARKFRIENDS CRAZED WIFE!! PATHETIC!!" Bornhald bellowed. (God I missed that insane bellowing:)  
  
Ima Pansy hung his head in shame.  
  
Chedder Wheel tried, but the neck brace prevented it.  
  
Dill Pickle squeaked from his body cast. It had been signed by Whitecloaks....er.....Children of the LIght--  
  
~Cue Holy Music~  
  
--and Fain. I can't remember how to spell his first name. I shall be lashed with cheese sticks for a thousand years for my punishment. :)  
  
"Sorry sir." Chedder Wheel piped in.  
  
"Bluebells and cheese!" cheered Ima Pansy.  
  
"Mmmmmmhmmmm." squealed Dill Pickle.  
  
Bornhald paced, stomped on a kittens tail that just happen to wander into his tent, glared at the Whitecloaks........Children of Light--  
  
~cue Holy Music~  
  
--and said "FINE!! Shame us no more! Kill the Darkfriend and all kittens you see!! Buhahahahahah!"  
  
Kitten: Holy Meow Mix! *bolts for the door, hops a plane to Egypt and lives like a god for the rest of his life*  
  
---Two Rivers--  
  
Perrin was yaking on the phone to Rand about the game and munching on Doritos while Faile screamed at Fastwind over the sweater that the wolf had chewed up.  
  
--Faile's Perspective  
  
"LIGHT BURN YOUR FLEA BITTEN HIDE YOU WORTHLESS EXCUSE FOR A CANINE! THIS WAS MY GOOD SWEATER! MY GOOD SWEATER! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH THIS COST?!!!!!!!!!!! Faile screamed while shaking the ragged pink sweater at the perplexed wolf.  
  
--Fastwinds Perspective  
  
Okay. The she is obviously having some sort of nervous fit. Maybe she wants to play? Yeah, that chewy pink thing was fun. Does she want to play with that? It's already broken in. Very chewy. Wonder if she has anymore? I'll have to go check.  
  
--Faile  
  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHAhahahahahahahahahahahahahaAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAH AHAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!! PERRIN DO SOMETHING!!"  
  
--Fastwind  
  
Wow. She can howl. I can to. AAAAAAAWWWWWWWWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!  
  
--Faile  
  
"AAAAAAAAHHHHH!! It's attacking me! Perrin! Get off the %&^$% phone!  
  
--Fastwind  
  
YEAH! She wants to play! *pounces on Faile*  
  
--Faile  
  
"I WANT A %&^%&^*^*^*^ DIVORCE!!! DO YOU HEAR ME?! ^*&^(^(&^(%%$&^%(*)&^(*$^ wolf! (*^&$^#&^%#^(^$#&^%(&^#(^#^#&^@(^&^&^%#(#& *seizes up and passes out*  
  
"Yeah. Faile and Fastwind are just playing............naw...she wouldn't hurt her over that sweater. It was ugly anyway." Perrin said into the phone, flicknig through channels. "Yeah, talk to ya later. Give them Aes Sedai a few more laps...yeah.....hehehe."  
  
He replaced the phone, started to play the playstation again, when--  
  
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK  
  
He ignored it.  
  
KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK  
  
"Go away." he yelled, he was fighting the Grand Jewel on LoD. It was a mother of a boss fight.  
  
"Girl Scout cookies."  
  
Perrin stopped, looked at the door. Eyed it darkly. Stomped over and opened it.  
  
Three men dressed as Girl Scouts stood on his back door, one was holding a thick coil of rope. One was holding a box of...something with a skull and crossbones on it. The other was in a full body cast in a wheelchair.  
  
"Can I help you?"  
  
"We are selling Girl Scout cookies. Would you like to buy Girl Scout cookies? We have some Girl Scout cookies if you would like to buy some." said Chedder Wheel. Ima Pansy held out the box to him.  
  
Perrin looked at them. Eyed the cookies, looked around till he spotted the steep hill that had been placed there via author magic just for a certain purpose.  
  
Grinned evilly.  
  
"Yeah, my money is buried over by that steep hill. Follow me." he offered and started for the steep drop.  
  
Blindingly trusting, the Three Whitecloaks.....errr....Children of the Light--  
  
~cue Holy Music~  
  
--followed him.  
  
"Now just stand right there." Perrin advised, positioning Pansy and and Chedder directly in front of Dill and his wheelchair, who was facing the steep drop.  
  
"Bluebells and cheese." said Pansy.  
  
Perrin gave the back of the chair a solid kick and watched it mow down Chedder and Pansy and drag them down to the bottom,in a scraming mess, then turned back into the house, where Faile was just waking.  
  
"What happened?" she asked.  
  
"Not much." Perrin replied, dialed up Mat, and continued to play LoD.  
  
  
  
Pop: Fun!  
  
Perrin: Can I PLEASE go home now?  
  
Lavitz: I already told you, I'M first. I get to go. ME!  
  
Pop: Shush! I doing happy dance. *does happy dance*  
  
Perrin: SAVE ME!! SOMEONE HELP!! 


	3. THe Pop Returns!

The Pop Returns!  
  
  
  
~ Disclaimer ~ I do not own Wheel of Time. Just a cat named Lloyd was is huggable as a ill-tempered porcupine. ~grins insanely~ But me still love hims!  
  
Yeah, this one's not really P&TTW, but I'm lacking inspiration, and this might help a tad.I'll make it up to you I swear.  
  
And to the question in the review about Legend of Dragoon: It's for Playstation One, you can find it at usually any store selling games (I have a back-up copy, hehehe) and even though there are some...PEOPLE..out there that say it's a Final Fantasy knock-off (LIARS) it's a rather excellent game, if you can stomach ol'spike head and his whiny girlfriend. Okay, I done now.mehehe  
  
Cheese and Fiddle sticks! How long has it been? Okay, so now I'm gonna have a sit-down chat with my "buddies" from WoT. Let the mayhem begin! Oh yeah, some names might be off, I haven't done this in a while. I was playing LoD and Final Fantasy Tactics till my brain melted. Mahahaha!  
  
~ The assorted cast of WoT is sitting aimlessly in Perrin's living room, munching on pies and playing tug-of-war with Fastwind. Suddenly. ~  
  
CRASH BOOM  
  
Mat: .the Hell.  
  
Rand: SANTA!  
  
Elayne: smacks him It's November.  
  
Nynaeve: And you call ME abusive.?  
  
Perrin: Only behind your back.  
  
Faile: smacks him Behave.  
  
Nynaeve and Faile: high five  
  
Lan: It's a conspiracy.polishes sword  
  
Mat: What was that noise? If it was Tylin I'm leaving.  
  
~ It wasn't Tylin, nor any of the other assorted lunatics gunning for my cutie little gambler, it was.~  
  
All: DEMANDRED!?  
  
Demandred: No, I've been here the entire time, idiots.and that's my Lazy- Boy.  
  
Perrin: Nyah! Mine now.  
  
~The front door is kicked in, revealing the long-forgotten humanoid weasel-girl and her pet knight from LoD. ~  
  
Pop: HI ALL!  
  
Rand: And I thought the Dark One was bad.  
  
Lavitz: Trust me, he doesn't hold a candle. rattles wrist shackle  
  
Pop: Shush you, or it's the tickle feather again.  
  
Lavitz: shudders  
  
Perrin: I feel you pain dude. looks at Faile, shudders  
  
Bornhald: suddenly appears in the living room DARKFRIEND!  
  
Perrin: Ghah! Do the locks just not WORK!?  
  
Pop: snaps fingers, Bornhald explodes  
  
All: .OMG..  
  
Pop: I've been good lately, it was my treat. smiles brightly  
  
Lan: And now we know WHY we've been living semi-normal lives since she was on vacation.flicks a piece of Bornhald off his shoulder  
  
Nynaeve: You can channel?!  
  
Pop: Author Magic. snaps fingers again, Min appears  
  
Min: .the Hell.  
  
Rand: Weeehaw! Two of my girlfriends!  
  
Pop: And since I can't spell the other ones name, it's staying that way.  
  
~ Pop snaps her fingers a third time, and chairs appear in a circle in the living room, all the characters are sitting, looking stunned, except for Perrin, who has been chained to Pop and therefore knows what the deranged author is doing ~  
  
Pop: Let's talk.  
  
Mat: We're doomed.  
  
Demandred: At least she LIKES you guys.  
  
Faile: If she didn't like you, then you'd be like Bornhald there.  
  
Min: Where in the Hell am I?  
  
Perrin: Hell.  
  
Elayne: That's a BAD word!  
  
Lavitz: Is she for real?  
  
Pop: Unfortunately. Hey hon, since this is WoT time, you wanna go back to Fifi's?  
  
Lavitz: Is there pizza?  
  
Pop: ...I think..  
  
Rand: Can I go to Fifi's?  
  
Pop and Min and Elayne: No.  
  
Rand: Damnit.  
  
Lan: Who's Fifi?  
  
~And again, the front door is kicked open, revealing Fifi aka Freefall, the rainbow haired LoD freak whom I dragged very un-willing into this ficcy thing. ~  
  
Freefall: Pick it up Knight-Boy! I ain't got all night! There's fics to write and cows to run over!  
  
Lavitz: free of chains, nearly runs out the door into the waiting RV (.it's a long story.) and there a cheers and shouts from within  
  
Freefall: What'd you do to him this time?  
  
Pop: grins  
  
Freefall: Whatever, e-mail me! vanishes in a poof of red smoke  
  
Nyn: I need to know how you do that !  
  
Pop: It's a secret. Anywho...so, what's up.  
  
Demandred: The sky.  
  
All: look warily at Pop, who frowns, then smiles.  
  
~ The Forsaken finds himself being glomped and is now in the same place as the freed Lavitz, chained to Pop ~  
  
Demandred: What in the name of my unholy socks!?  
  
Lan: Your socks are unholy?  
  
Rand: He's a Forsaken, HE is unholy.  
  
Mat: Insanity is hereditary but for males who can channel it comes from the tainted True Source thingy or whatever its called but then Rand-Man over there and Nyn-Chick cleansed it and now book ten has me on the cover and it will probably be all about me and Rand and Nyn will still be out- cold by the end of it and everybody will have to wait another YEAR to find out what happens to them but no one will care because I'm universally loved because I'm cute and plucky and I have a cute butt and all Rand has going for him is ruling the world and going insane and Perrin here is a manic depressed nutcase who plays too many video games and his wife is freaking crazy because she is just that way and Lan can't be described without using the words "cold, stone-faced and mountain" and is wife is scary because she hits people and she beat up a Forsaken twice and Min over there likes knives and sleeps with Rand too much because her dad is that Farstrider guy who is that old dude who starts with a "N" in my group right now I think and Demandred is over there chained to a crazy weasel-girl who tickles people with feathers or some other kinky things because she took lessons from Tylin and Elayne is a snob who acts like a not-snob but she is because she sniffs like a crack addict 24/7 and that other scary chick that Rand sleeps with but they all pretend it's all right because more than likely two of them is going to die in the Last Battle because their going to explode because of too much One Power and it will rain pieces of them down upon happy Trollocs and all will rejoice because then Rand will only be sleeping with one woman now but I think one of them might be a man but I'm not sure I'll get back to you on that but that Forsaken chick wanted to sleep with him too and now she's dead and back again because nobody stays dead that are supposed to be which isn't a bad thing because it brought me back and now people are happy because they can read about how cute my butt is and how Rand is going crazy and how that woman I'm supposed to marry can kick people really hard in the co-jones and it hurts a lot so we had to tie her up and she's smiling at me a lot and Nyn over there is a dominatrix and poor Lan can't get away from her or he'll DIE and who will save everybody from bad things when that happens because Elayne is a snob that acts like a not-snob and her brothers are crazy and her mother is posing as a poor chick in service whatever that means to Faile who is scary and a bunch of people want us all dead and it's not safe to cross the street anymore 'cause these MUTANTS come whizzing around the corner on one wheel and wipe out some poor old lady walking her goldfish and POOF, there you go.  
  
Rand: .what the Hell.  
  
Perrin: Old ladies can't walk goldfish, stupid.  
  
Mat: Oh, okay.  
  
Faile: . What did he just say?  
  
Lan: I think it was about goldfish.  
  
Nyn: Yeah.goldfish..  
  
Pop: On that note.  
  
Demandred: WHAT DOES HE MEAN BY FEATHERS AND WHY IS IT KINKY?!  
  
Elayne: What are co-jones?  
  
Min: We'll tell you when you're older.  
  
Pop: That was stimulating guys, since there is this thing called SLEEP however, I'm off to dream the demented dreams of a weasel-girls plotting to rule the world. Mehehe.  
  
Rand: Can we have pizza?  
  
Pop: snaps fingers, three pizzas appear  
  
~ And since this is a night, perhaps it will be day later one, and maybe again Mat will ramble on and on and on and on.you get the idea.  
  
^_^ --Pop  
  
Like this was meant for anything thought provoking, boredom and the fact that they pushed "Crossroads" back to January has to do with everything...THEY CAN'T DO THAT TO US! But they can, so TTFN. 


End file.
